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Thoughts from the $300 Lawn Mower of Comedy: Zeke Thomas

Posts Tagged ‘sleep

Sleeping in the Land of Kitty Cats and Chicken

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I judge the shit out of people and I don’t apologize for it.  I take great pride in ranking people (myself included) and being a fair judge of character who understands what motivates people.  Whenever my instinct gets a pretty good track record going, I start to think I have this whole life thing figured out.  During times like these, the universe will capitalize on the opportunity to humble me in new and creative ways.  This past week is a prime example of the universe reminding me that I am a ridiculous, silly little man.

I’ve developed a habit of falling asleep on the couch after watching some lighthearted comedy on TV or its bastard cousin netflix on demand.  It was not unusual for me to wake up on the couch with the girl cats using me for both heat and hairy furniture.  Over time, my girlfriend (Ms. Christine Is Lovely) has noticed this pattern and would get up around 3am and look for me when she noticed I was not in bed.  She would usually find me in some sort of modified yoga position with the lower half of my body in some sort double sprinter’s stretch and the top half in a totally relaxed position, usually with my arms over my head.   We would have some sort of zombie-like conversation but ultimately she would retrieve me from the couch and bring me to bed. Keep in mind I am totally asleep.

Well last week I get up after she has gone to work and I notice that the Hawaiian rolls we had just purchased the night before had a tear in the bag.

Someone was hungry . . .

Someone was hungry . . . nom nom nom

This was odd.  I guess our fat orange cat couldn’t wait until we got up to feed her and decided to take matters in to her own hands.  This wasn’t too terribly out of character for her since she came from a 50 cat rescue situation and was used to getting food by any means necessary.

But then I got to thinking . . . would a cat tear open a bag and then carefully tear off 2 of the 12 rolls?  No.  A Fat Cat would take a bite out of the first roll and stop once she realized it was bread.  Fat Cat hates bread.  Despite her fatness and desperation, Fat Cat has a very discerning palette.

Okay, well that leaves my girlfriend as the prime suspect with Fat Cat being demoted to a person of interest.  While I was eliminating suspects, something wasn’t adding up.

I called up the new prime suspect and cut right to the chase.

Me:  So how were the rolls last night?

Christine is Lovely: What are you talking about?

Typical criminal response, deny everything.

Me:  You look like you really enjoyed the Hawaiian rolls? Did you have some for breakfast?

CIL:  That wasn’t me.  I have no idea what you are talking about.  What time did you go to sleep last night?

Houston, we have a problem.

Right then . . . right there . . . it all came into focus.  My face turned red and I began to drown in embarrassment.  I was looking for a suspect that I could never find, except when I looked in the mirror.

I am sleep-eater.

WTF?  Who does that?  Well, apparently, I do.

Let’s breakdown the game film on this sleep-eating incident. Go ahead and take another look at the picture above.  I’ll wait because I’m sure you will notice something very interesting.  Not only did I bypass the twist tie, but I made a feeble attempt at tearing through the bag, not once, but TWICE!  On the second attempt I was clearly successful and I tore into that bag like a goddamn animal! A freaking animal!  For a moment I was probably more beast than human!

I am not sure why I am so embarrassed by this, but I figure sooner or later one of my jackass friends will find out and the story will get out quickly.  I looked at it like a band-aid that needed to come off all at once rather than piecemeal.  But metaphors aside, it still didn’t explain the how and the why of it.  I don’t fit the profile: a) I don’t sleep walk b) I rarely sleep talk and/or c) I have never believed a single person who claimed they ate an entire chocolate cake in their sleep and have no memory of it.  I always thought it was a fat person’s cop out for being hungry and sneaking food when they wanted to be on a 1200 calorie a day diet.

I guess I  learned a lesson today about judging people and the crazy claims people make while being asleep.  Or maybe I just learned that I am one of them as well.  Or maybe the universe to trying to get me right-sized again and remind me that despite what my head tells me, I am still the same ridiculous, silly little man I’ve always been.

— $300

PS Check out what I did to the butter.

I hacked at this like a wolverine goes after meat.


Written by ZekeIsAwesome

December 24, 2009 at 5:07 am

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