Lawn Clippings: ZekeIsAwesome Blog

Thoughts from the $300 Lawn Mower of Comedy: Zeke Thomas

Posts Tagged ‘kitty cats

Sleeping in the Land of Kitty Cats and Chicken

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I judge the shit out of people and I don’t apologize for it.  I take great pride in ranking people (myself included) and being a fair judge of character who understands what motivates people.  Whenever my instinct gets a pretty good track record going, I start to think I have this whole life thing figured out.  During times like these, the universe will capitalize on the opportunity to humble me in new and creative ways.  This past week is a prime example of the universe reminding me that I am a ridiculous, silly little man.

I’ve developed a habit of falling asleep on the couch after watching some lighthearted comedy on TV or its bastard cousin netflix on demand.  It was not unusual for me to wake up on the couch with the girl cats using me for both heat and hairy furniture.  Over time, my girlfriend (Ms. Christine Is Lovely) has noticed this pattern and would get up around 3am and look for me when she noticed I was not in bed.  She would usually find me in some sort of modified yoga position with the lower half of my body in some sort double sprinter’s stretch and the top half in a totally relaxed position, usually with my arms over my head.   We would have some sort of zombie-like conversation but ultimately she would retrieve me from the couch and bring me to bed. Keep in mind I am totally asleep.

Well last week I get up after she has gone to work and I notice that the Hawaiian rolls we had just purchased the night before had a tear in the bag.

Someone was hungry . . .

Someone was hungry . . . nom nom nom

This was odd.  I guess our fat orange cat couldn’t wait until we got up to feed her and decided to take matters in to her own hands.  This wasn’t too terribly out of character for her since she came from a 50 cat rescue situation and was used to getting food by any means necessary.

But then I got to thinking . . . would a cat tear open a bag and then carefully tear off 2 of the 12 rolls?  No.  A Fat Cat would take a bite out of the first roll and stop once she realized it was bread.  Fat Cat hates bread.  Despite her fatness and desperation, Fat Cat has a very discerning palette.

Okay, well that leaves my girlfriend as the prime suspect with Fat Cat being demoted to a person of interest.  While I was eliminating suspects, something wasn’t adding up.

I called up the new prime suspect and cut right to the chase.

Me:  So how were the rolls last night?

Christine is Lovely: What are you talking about?

Typical criminal response, deny everything.

Me:  You look like you really enjoyed the Hawaiian rolls? Did you have some for breakfast?

CIL:  That wasn’t me.  I have no idea what you are talking about.  What time did you go to sleep last night?

Houston, we have a problem.

Right then . . . right there . . . it all came into focus.  My face turned red and I began to drown in embarrassment.  I was looking for a suspect that I could never find, except when I looked in the mirror.

I am sleep-eater.

WTF?  Who does that?  Well, apparently, I do.

Let’s breakdown the game film on this sleep-eating incident. Go ahead and take another look at the picture above.  I’ll wait because I’m sure you will notice something very interesting.  Not only did I bypass the twist tie, but I made a feeble attempt at tearing through the bag, not once, but TWICE!  On the second attempt I was clearly successful and I tore into that bag like a goddamn animal! A freaking animal!  For a moment I was probably more beast than human!

I am not sure why I am so embarrassed by this, but I figure sooner or later one of my jackass friends will find out and the story will get out quickly.  I looked at it like a band-aid that needed to come off all at once rather than piecemeal.  But metaphors aside, it still didn’t explain the how and the why of it.  I don’t fit the profile: a) I don’t sleep walk b) I rarely sleep talk and/or c) I have never believed a single person who claimed they ate an entire chocolate cake in their sleep and have no memory of it.  I always thought it was a fat person’s cop out for being hungry and sneaking food when they wanted to be on a 1200 calorie a day diet.

I guess I  learned a lesson today about judging people and the crazy claims people make while being asleep.  Or maybe I just learned that I am one of them as well.  Or maybe the universe to trying to get me right-sized again and remind me that despite what my head tells me, I am still the same ridiculous, silly little man I’ve always been.

— $300

PS Check out what I did to the butter.

I hacked at this like a wolverine goes after meat.

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Written by ZekeIsAwesome

December 24, 2009 at 5:07 am

And so it all begins . . .

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Years ago when the whole internet blog thing started to take off I was mildly insulted when I saw friends posting their inner most thoughts and opinions on the web.  My initial reaction was “who the f— are you and why do you think you so are so important?!?!”  It was a visceral reaction.  Deep in my heart I knew that “blogging” was a fleeting idea that would soon go away like the old BBS’s and the Dancing Baby’s of the world.  Today, I realize that I was wrong.  Really wrong.

I can count on one hand the number of blog posts I had on myspace over the 4 years or so I was an active member.  They all had to do with major events in my life that people who knew me might find interesting like my first network national ad or the time my truck was stolen while I was surfing. Perhaps it was my years of journalism training in high school or my left leaning political ideas that brainwashed me into thinking that if I am ever privileged enough to have a platform to voice my opinion, it better be something worthwhile.

Think about it, not all that long ago very few people had access to the media.  The barriers to entry were enormous and numerous people had to vet both the author and the story.  Prior to 2002, where could you go and have more than your immediate family listen to your crackpot theories on the faking of the moon landing?  You could write a letter to the editor or your local paper, right?  Perhaps you could call in to a conservative AM talk show? Maybe you could go down to the Venice boardwalk and tell tourists about how the Bavarian Illuminati has taken over the money supply since we’ve switched over from the gold standard?  Any way you cut it, your choices were limited.

We all make mistakes

We all make mistakes

Then somewhere around the middle of the last decade, the big democratization of the media occurs and all of a sudden viral video and blogs start cropping up.  This was a game changer.  Anyone and everyone had a chance to sound off in cyberspace.  Our tolerance for low production value videos and poorly designed websites has waned a little, but ultimately these mediums have taken off in ways we couldn’t have fathomed.

My favorite part in all of this: I can cyber-stalk everyone before I meet them face to face. You can find basic info on pretty much anyone these days and I love it.  But then it gets better!  Some people go the extra mile and post their journal online.  I love the fact that a lot of people are narcissistic enough to publish intimate details of their life in a digital diary format and do not expect repercussions of their actions.

The same thing goes for pictures.  Remember guys, when you put something in a digital form, it lives forever.  Remember those digital pictures your girlfriend took of you getting out of the shower?  It was all fun and games at the time, but now it can live in infamy courtesy of e-mail distribution lists and social networking services.

Even today, if someone asks my opinion about someone or about one of their projects, I am loath to respond by e-mail.  Phone calls were my preferred method of dealing with off-the-record conversations, but now with technology progressing as quickly as it has, I can now get a fairly accurate digital transcription of voice-mail messages courtesy of Google Voice.  That is some scary stuff.

Perhaps this larger digital footprint may remind me that I really shouldn’t take myself too seriously . . . ever.  If photos from way-back-when and out of context comments have a way of resurfacing then I need to remember that I’m not saving the world and I’m just a ridiculous, silly man who’s attempting to join an already over-crowded market place.

Hopefully, this blog make you laugh. Maybe it will make you think.  But more than likely it will probably just plug one of my projects or talk about how cute my kitty cats are. Yes, I said kitty cats. And yes I’m still a ridiculous, silly man.

Written by ZekeIsAwesome

October 8, 2009 at 8:51 pm

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