Lawn Clippings: ZekeIsAwesome Blog

Thoughts from the $300 Lawn Mower of Comedy: Zeke Thomas

TSA: Please touch my Junk!

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I have a very special request. TSA: Please touch my junk

I want you to agonize over every supple inch of my body, every subtle nuance that might be a RF transmitter or timing device.  Is that a lump of C4 in my pants? Nope. That’s my wangbone, but thank you for asking.

This TSA security screening news story has really chapped my hide since it is not really news.  Korean peninsula ending 50+ years of detente and potentially eruption into nuclear war? News. But instead we’re smashed up along side the head with: This just in. TSA finally does job and checks for weapons where people might hide them. Film at 11.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some TSA fanboy, in fact the LAX TSA screening agents are perhaps some of the lowest achievers out there.  They were probably in the lower fifth of your high school class and have remedial use of their brain.  The people who become TSA screeners are a lot like meter maids.  No kid ever dreams of being a meter maid and if they do, their parents should have checked their stool for excess levels of paste.  But as dumb as these guys are, we need to remember that, theoretically, these guys are here to protect us – not inconvenience us and feel us up. I know its hard to wrap out heads around this concept but we’re Americans, we’re fat and we’re not that goddamn sexy.

And then there is the “Don’t touch my junk” guy. More interested in internet fame than personal liberties, I encourage him to do us all a favor and stick to the software engineering and leave the civil liberties discourse to the watchdog groups that already exist.  In fact, do us all a favor and kill yourself right now. At the very least set yourself on fire and don’t let anyone put you out.  Perhaps then you will understand that civil servants (I’m using this term very, very loosely) are here to protect you.

Now if you suffered through the 12 minutes of sometimes agonizing hidden camera foreplay, you probably got to the intercourse of the clip where our software engineer refuses to be screened via the Backscatter full body scanner.  But then gets on his moral high horse, refuses to submit to the pat down check and threatens the TSA agent with arrest! Who does that?!?!?! If this had happened in some former eastern bloc country he would have been instantly “disappeared” (and with good reason!) But instead he chooses to create personal liberties for himself that don’t really exist, rouble rouse, and then attempt to profiteer from this staged encounter by selling t-shirts with his now famous catch phrase. I hope his entire family gets blown up the next time Al Qaeda decides to activate a sleeper cell. But don’t touch his junk . . .

A note about National Opt-Out Day

Talk about a retarded idea that never came to fruition.  I’ve got an idea! On one of the busiest travel days of the year let’s send the government a message and force them to give us all pat down checks rather than using the full-body scanners! That will send a message to all the fat cats in Washington that we won’t stand for this!  This idea made about as much sense as rioting in your own neighborhood. I’m glad people came to their senses and realized delaying their own travel plans screwed them more than it screwed the TSA.

Top 3 Reasons why you should look forward to your next TSA security check:

3) Someone is finally requesting to see/feel your junk

— Pretend that its God’s gift all you want, but it still doesn’t have the magical properties you think it does.  Unless of course you are Blackzilla or Ron Jeremy.

2) I miss the touch of another man touching . . . oh my god . . . think not gay thoughts! Think not gay thoughts!

— I try to control them by constantly bragging about how much pipe I laid in high school to total strangers and then watch an episode of Glee.

1) Maybe they’ll bring profiling back! 

— An ethnically ambiguous man can only dream can’t he . . .

Live Show To-NIGHT!:

Stuck in LA for weekend? Have friends and family over and don’t know what to do on a Friday night? Come on down to your neighborhood chucklehut and check out The Stranger than Fiction Show at the LA Connection in Sherman Oaks, CA. Show is at 9 and tickets can be found at It’s improv, it’s a rock show, and I usually have a nip slip or 8.


Written by ZekeIsAwesome

November 26, 2010 at 12:09 pm

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